Who's Afraid of Beowulf? by Tom Holt

`He has has been an evil man and ours and the world's enemy, but in
 Valhalla all earthly enmities are put aside, for all who go there, so
 it is said, are soon united in common hatred of the catering staff.'

  `Then, why did he break that glass case?' asked the chief guard.
  `You know what it says on the notices,' replied Hildy desperatly.
`In case of fire, break glass.'

`Are you hijacking my bus, then?' asked the driver.
`Yes,' said the unarmed man unhappily. The driver went white, and Danny felt panic coming on. What if the man tried to resist and defend his passengers? Bothvar Bjarki would like that.
`It's all right, really,' he said, as reassuringly as possible,
`I'm with the BBC.'

  `Are we being taken hostage?' asked an old man in the fourth row.
  `No,' said Danny. `You're free to go.'
  `Pity,' said the old man. `That would have been one eye for George Macleod and his pigeons.' He shrugged his shoulders wearily and picked up his shopping-bag.

 `Who are you?' Danny said.
 `Bothar Bjarki,' said the man with the axe. `Are you going to surrender, or shall we fight for a bit?'
 `I'd rather surrender, if it's all the same to you.'
 `Be like that,' said Bothvar Bjarki.

`Will they be all right?' Hildy asked doubtfully. `They don't seem very practical to me.'
 The King nodded. `I should think so,' he said. `Take Angantyr Asmundarson, for instance. To join the muster at Melvich, he marched all night from Brough Head to Burwick - that's right across two msin islands of Orkney - and since there was no boat available he swam over from Burwick to the mainland, in the middle of a storm. Then he ran all the way from Duncansby Head to Melvich, on the morning before the battle, and still fought in the front rank against the stone-rolls of Finnmark. Complaining bitterly about his wet clothes and how he was going to catch his death pneumonia, of course, but that's just his way.' He paused, and contemplated his fingernails for a moment.
 `Put like that, I suppose, it rather proves your point. Only a complete idiot would have gone to so much trouble to get involved in a battle.
 Come on,' he said briskly, `it's time we were going.'

`No, Starkad,' said the King kindly. `I know you're not afraid. But not this time. I'll explain later.'
 Starkad sat down, looking dejected, and Brynjolf patted him comfortingly on the shoulder. `It's because you're so stupid, Starkad,' he said gently.
 `You'd only be in the way.'
 `Oh,' said Starkad happily. `If that's the reason, I don't mind.'

  `I'm an archaeologist,' said Hildy. `I dig up the past.'
 The King raised an yeybrow. `You mean you refresh old quarrels and keep alive old grievances? Surely not.'
  `No, no,' said Hildy, `I dig up ancientthings buried in the earth. Things that belonged to people who lived hundreds of years ago.' As she said this, she began to feel uncomfortable.She had forgotton about the brooch.
  `Do you really?' said the King. 'We used to call that grave-robbing.'

 `Shall I bring the game, then?'
 Prexz scratched his head. On the one hand, the world was full of new, exciting things for a chtonic spirit to do: elemnts to explore, currents of power coursing through the magma layer to revel in, static to drink and ultrasound to eat. On the other hand, he was winning.
 `Go on then,' he said. `Might as well.'

The King rose slowly to his feet and beckoned to the wizard, who had been sitting outside the circle of the firelight, apparently, trying to find a spell that would make a beer-can magically refill itself.

...he had in his briefcase the synopsis of his life's work, a startling piece of investigation that would, if carried through with the proper resources, conclusively prove that the Milk Marketing Board had been somehow connected with the assassination of President Kennedy.

Hildy looked back at the Champions. They seemed to be discussing something of extreme importance, and from what she could make out it was mainly to do with whose job it should have been to pack the food.

`"Quiet as the grave," they say. Some hope.'