Xmas jokes!
Xmas-related jokes that ended up in my mailbox somehow, forward them to your friends all year round. Be alternative; bring the christmas back into the summer!
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Christmas Jokes
misc jokes related to xmas!
other funny forwarded emails
can be downloaded from:
https://www.edlin.org/sitemap.html
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To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following
guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and
Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is
discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden. (it
runs up an incredible long distance phone bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through
the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Eggnog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
7. In spite of all this,
the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
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I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up.....they have no holidays.
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CHRISTMAS FRUITCAKE RECIPE
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You'll need the following:
1 C water 1 tsp. baking soda
1 C sugar 1 C brown sugar
4 large eggs lemon juice
2 C dried fruit nuts
1 tsp. salt 1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the
whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality. Pour one
level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still okay.
Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer.
Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry
it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for
tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.
Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add
one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to
beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out the window. Check the whiskey
again. Go to bed. Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway??!!
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New Year's Resolutions
1. I will try to figure out why I "really" need 12 e-mail addresses.
2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband). A phone call every
now and then would be appreciated
3. I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which
I answer my e-mail.
5. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the
phone at the same time with the same person.
6. I resolve to back up my 12 GB hard drive daily...well, once a
week...okay, monthly then...or maybe... at least once a year
7. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of
course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
8. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is
much more practical since my friends overseas already had time
to answer me by then
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What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !
What disasters could happen if you dropped the Christmas turkey ?
The downfall of Turkey, the breakup of China and the otherthrow
of Greece !
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ?
Santa Jaws !
What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert ?
Lost !
Where do snowmen go to dance ?
Snowballs !
How do snowmen travel around ?
By iceicle !
What sort of ball doesn't bounce ?
A snowball !
How would you fire Santa?
Give him the sack.....
What did Santa say when his toys misbehaved?
Toys will be toys.
What do elves learn in school?
The Elf-abet!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
Where do polar bears vote?
The North Poll.
What kind of bird can write?
A PENguin.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes.
A Politically Correct Holiday Greeting
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Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible,
low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral, winter solstice holiday,
practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious
persuasion of your choice , but with respect for the religious
persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well
as those who choose not to practice a religion at all; plus... A
fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year
2000, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other
cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great,
without regard to the race, creed color, religious, or sexual
preferences of the wishes.
Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.
It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the
wishes for her/himself or others and no responsibility for any
unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not
caught up in the holiday spirit.
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Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged
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SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.
NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores
and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!
PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna out,
then MAYBE I'll tell you why.
DEPRESSION - Silent anhedonia, Holy ahedonia. All is calm, All is pretty
lonely.
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell...
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me
(and then took it all away).