Funny jokesjokes that will make you chuckle
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Collected jokes
cut it out and forward to your pals.
can be downloaded from: https://www.edlin.org/sitemap.html
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Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher,
indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the
differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please
sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
Johnny's mother quietly took him by the hand, upstairs to her
bedroom, and closed the door. She said, "First, Johnny, I want you to
take off my blouse..." Little Johnny unbuttoned her blouse and took
it off. She continued, "Now take off my skirt..." He removed her
skirt. "Take off my bra..." which he did. "And now, Johnny, please
take off my panties."
When Johnny had finished removing his mother's panties, she said,
"Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!
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Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:
"Bob, don't worry about it.
You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you
won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go...".
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,whispering...
"Bob, you're a vet..."
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Honk if you love peace and quiet.
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A teenaged boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes talking to
his friends: "I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my
parents from dragging me everywhere with them."
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The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had
covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto maker for the past five
years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-
wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal
accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the
crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last
words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, S---!"
Only the state of Alabama was different, where 89.3 percent of the
final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
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It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian
competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a
slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but
without any great artistic feel for the music.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9:
United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0
Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and
stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He
gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good
as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple
Salchow and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically,
it is a more satisfying performance.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5:
United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0
Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old
donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He
reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which
starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then
slips again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then
falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and
bleeding mess.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0:
United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0
The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison,
"How the heck can you give that mess 6.0?!"
To which the Irish judge replies "You've got to remember, it's
darn slippery out there.
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Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean,
looking for something to do. They came up underneath
a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea
monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and
ate everything on the ship.
A little while later, they came up to another ship, again
hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats
everything onboard.
The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and
Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.
Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep
tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating
everything on board?"
Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself
once I start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."
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This could only happen in California (apparently a true story)
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Car jacking Foiled: An elderly lady did her shopping and upon
return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags
and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top
of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if
required... so get out of the car! The 4 men didn't wait around
for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, where upon
the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of
the car and got into the drivers seat.
Small problem: her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was
identical and parked four or five spaces further down. She
reloaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in
two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter
where 4 pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad
elderly white woman...no charges were filed.
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Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he
advised new recruits about their government benefits,
especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones
had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never
happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of
the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new
recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into
battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to
your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you
go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay
a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are
going to send into battle first?"
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A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to
learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to
a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says
"I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion." The
store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can
have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".
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The owner of a manufacturing firm decided to make a surprise
tour of the factory. Walking through the warehouse he noticed
a young man lazily leaning against a packing crate.
The factory owner angrily said, "Just how much are you being
paid?"
The young man replied, "A hundred dollars a week."
The owner pulled out his wallet, peeled off five $20 bills and
shouted at the young man:
"Here is a week's pay--now get out and don't come back!"
Without a word, the young man stuffed the money into his pocket
and left.
The warehouse manager, standing nearby, stared in amazement.
"Tell me," the boss asked him, "How long has that guy worked
for us?"
"He didn't work here," replied the warehouse manager,
"He was just the Fed-Ex guy delivering a package."
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There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty
well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak
into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. . .
After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that
he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up
a sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids showed
up and they saw his sign
"Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been
injected with cyanide."
Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another
watermelon. They ran off, made up their own sign and posted
it next to the sign that the farmer made.
The next day the farmer showed up to look over the field and he
noticed to his delight that no watermelons are missing. He was
perplexed, however, by a sign next to his. He drove his tractor
up to the sign which read:
"Now there are two!"
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