To the tune of I Am The Very Model Of A Modern Major General

I Am the Very Model of a Usenet Personality by Tom Holt

I am the very model of a usenet personality.
I intersperse obscenity with tedious banality.
Addresses I have plenty of, both genuine and ghosted too,
On all the countless newsgroups that my drivel is cross-posted to.
Your bandwidth I will fritter with my whining and my snivelling,
And you're the one who pays the bill, downloading all my drivelling.
My enemies are numerous, and no-one would be blaming you
For cracking my head open after I've been rudely flaming you.

I hate to lose an argument (by now I should be used to it).
I wouldn't know a valid point if I was introduced to it.
My learning is extensive but consists of mindless trivia,
Designed to fan my ego, which is larger than Bolivia.
The comments that I vomit forth, disguised as jest and drollery,
Are really just an exercise in unremitting trollery.
I say I'm plain and simple, but that's merely lies and vanity,
The gibberings of one who's at the limits of his sanity.

If only I could get a life, as many people tell me to;
If only Mom could find a circus freak-show she could sell me to;
If I go off to Zanzibar to paint the local scenery;
If I lose all my fingers in a mishap with machinery;
If I survive to twenty, which is somewhat problematical;
If what I post was more mature, or slightly more grammatical;
If I could learn to spell a bit, and maybe even punctuate;
Would I still be the loathsome and objectionable punk you hate?

But while I have this tiresome urge to prance around and show my face,
It simply isn't safe for normal people here in cyberspace.
To stick me in Old Sparky and turn on the electricity
Would be a fitting punishment for all my plain simplicity.

Quote from Expecting Someone Taller
A tall man with long grey hair falling untidily over the collar of his dark blue suit leaned against the parapet eating an ice cream. Although impeccably dressed, he was palpably all wrong, and the two policemen looked at each other with pleasent anticipation.
'Drugs?' suggested the first policeman.
'More like dirty books,' said the other. 'If he's armed, it's my turn.'
'It's always your turn,' grumbled his companion.
The first policeman shrugged his shoulders. 'Oh, all right then,' he said. 'But I get to drive back to the station.'

(Tom Holt, "Expecting Someone Taller")

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All stories/filksongs is written by Tom Holt, and not by me.
This is a fan-page about Tom Holt, made by me,
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I Am the Very Model of a Usenet Personality by Tom Holt

Quote from Expecting Someone Taller